THE KEEP UP: AMERICAN HORROR STORY: COVEN – FINALE
Episode 13 – The Seven Wonders
The third season of American Horror Story was easily the most lineal and concise season of the show so far. I enjoyed the previous seasons with the crazy side plots, and the twists and turns along the way, and I missed those elements during Coven. There were a couple “wtf” moments, sure, mainly the Halloween episode with the zombies, and Spalding’s entire arc. Other than that, everything was nice and neat, not straying too far off course…but oh my God did the season wrap up terribly. I have never been so let down during a season finale of a show I’ve invested so much time into.
The opening to this episode was so bad and so cheesy; I won’t even be talking about it. Right after the opening credits, the girls get down to business and start with the Seven Wonders, as being conducted by Myrtle and Cordelia. The first couple of tests go by rather quickly, and with some humor, but we knew that not all of the witches would survive the tests, and they wasted no time in killing off one of the better girls in the show. Misty’s death was bad, and I mean bad as in fucking stupid, she seemed to be one of the more powerful girls in the Coven, but I guess the writers had other plans for her. During the afterlife test, the goal was to come back before sunrise the following morning, which she didn’t, the outcome was her body turning to ashes while Cordelia was holding her, trying to bring her back.
The Seven Wonders continue and the girls are actually having some fun with each other teleporting themselves all around the house/yard playing tag…until somehow Zoe teleports herself on to the wrought iron fence, impaling her, killing her…more on that shortly. This is where things started to get a little confusing; the entire goal of the Seven Wonders is to weed out the weak witches, meaning THEY WILL DIE! Why was Cordelia trying to bring back Misty and Zoe, knowing that this was part of the damn ritual?! They prefaced the tests by saying not all of them will survive!
We’re down to Queenie and Misty, but wait, there is a special guest contestant joining in the fun – Cordelia is convinced by Myrtle that she needs to be part of the Seven Wonders, as her mother was the previous Supreme, it would make sense for her to participate. Of course, Cordelia ploughs through just about all of the tests in the matter of minutes; I guess we should have seen this coming? During all of this, Kyle is just witnessing all of the tests, and is the subject to some cruel yet funny mind control, but he really shines when he decided that he must kill Madison for not trying too hard in bringing Zoe back, and he does, by strangling her. Then guess who shows up, Spalding, whom apparently is alive? I thought only dead people could see him, and possibly Delphine since she SHOULD be dead. They don’t explain this, but he and Kyle bury Madison somewhere off screen, never to be seen again.
So all of a sudden Cordelia is this big bad ass, displaying shit we haven’t seen from her, and the final test…bringing Zoe back to life, which she does. Then the biggest “wtf” moment happens – Cordelia’s eyes are intact, and can actually see again, THERE IS NO EXPLANATION FOR THIS! We’re halfway into the episode, and Cordelia is the new Supreme, no questions asked. This was seriously the most anticlimactic way to introduce the Supreme, especially after making this huge deal about it in just about every episode of the season. After Myrtle declares Cordelia Supreme, she insists that she should be burned at the stake, again. Why? Who the hell knows, I guess because she wants to die? Cut to the area where she was already killed, bring in the two albino guys, and there you have it, Myrtle is dead, again.
What’s going to happen in the next 25 minutes of the show, you ask? Well how about Cordelia inviting reporters over to the Coven, and openly admitting the existence of witches, and that the Coven is actually a place for them…I’m sure that will go over well. She also decides to put Queenie and Zoe on the council, which means literally nothing to the audience since we don’t know who the council actually was, what they did, or who they reported to. When the council first showed up early in the season, everyone at the Coven was shitting bricks, but never explained why it was such a big deal.
Annnnnd the “twist” happens, which at first made me sit up on my couch with anticipation, but then immediately sit back in frustration. Fiona faked her death, whoop di do; she’s now fully cancer ridden, balding, looking old as shit, frail, and for the first time – regretful. She tells Cordelia that the only way she can FULLY become the Supreme, is if the current one is dead. As the mother and daughter embrace, Fiona’s body falls limp in Cordelia’s arms. We learn that Fiona’s “hell” is waking up every morning with the Axeman, and fighting with each other throughout the day…that doesn’t seem that bad considering Fiona was a murderous sociopath.
The episode ends with Cordelia welcoming a shit load of new girls to the Coven, and that’s it. Nothing else happens. The last thing we see is a cheesy smile on Cordelia’s face. Oh, Kyle is the new butler, which is awesome. During all this bullshit, we never see Marie, Delphine or Nan what so ever, they aren’t even mentioned.
I’m at a loss for words, which doesn’t make sense considering how much I just wrote, but anyway this season started out so strong, and looked so promising. I’d say around 10 of the 13 episodes were really, really good, but there was no excuse for the way the finale was handled. The point of the entire season was to find out who was the next Supreme, and that wasn’t even the climax of the episode! There was no climax, it just ended. I’ll be patiently waiting for season 4, but I’m not sure if I’ll be too excited this time around.
EPISODE RATING – D
BAT-SHIT CRAZY RATING – C